the making of a nurse midwife

still here

2011-02-09T21:11:00.000-05:00

still here. plugging through this semester, kinda frustrated with it. arrgh. more later!

break is almost over

2011-01-02T09:37:00.000-05:00

Classes start back in a week from tomorrow. Up next on the agenda is Statistics and Leadership. Statistics, though it scares many people, is actually more exciting to me. I love math :) Plus, I like the way the assignments are laid out--no due dates! Just turn it in when you're ready. To me, this means the ability to bang them out quickly. I am perceiving that Leadership will be a harder class, so if I can get Stats out of the way sooner/easier it sounds good to me.

Leadership involves writing four papers, two exams, and a project of some sort that isn't described really well yet. The very first paper, due at teh end of the second week, is 6-9pages long! I already have the topic to the paper, so I'm trying to theorize some ways to apply that. I'm not going to start actually writing it yet, b/c more information about assignments/etc comes on the first day of classes, so I'm not going to get started on teh wrong track.

Since I dont know what the actual assignments are yet, the only work I can get done early is reading. the reading for leadership is a little boring and dry right now, but it can't all be pulitzer prize winning, right??

On I go......

completely done with this term

2010-12-15T22:57:00.000-05:00

I am 100% finished with my term. I have actually been done with the work for a week or so, but just today finished my second course evaluation. Course evaluations are required, so although technically my work has been done for a week, today I am officially done with all requirements. woo! My countdown timer now says I have 25 days until next term starts.

What the heck to do for 25 days with no school? Sleep. Watch TV. Clean. Nothing!

I feel accomplished that I did it! One term of grad school down, and I did it while working full time and takign care of several small children :) Only eleven terms left. I know its only going to get harder, so I'm glad I got started well and with an A in both classes.

Next term is statistics and leadership. hopefully not too painful :)

12 days left

2010-12-05T08:44:00.000-05:00

Only 12 days left til the end of the term. I have one quiz and 3 case study critiques to do. I do enjoy school, I enjoy learning and practicing. I don't particularly enjoy stressing over grades or studying every free minute, but, I realize the necessity of such.

After this class is over, I will have three weeks off before starting my new classes, statistics and leadership. leadership sounds like a bunch of essay writing to me, honestly. statistics, I am excited for, b/c I love math. Math is so objective. Do the problem the right way and there is one answer. with writing, its so subjective, and when you turn it in, you're not sure how right or wrong you are. With math, you know that if you did it right, you got the right answer.

This term kept me busy. It wasn't really hard as far as the content (though some of it sure was!), but, it is very time consuming. I did it without my work or my kids suffering, but my sleep sure is lacking :) Only 11 more to go after this one......

sunday update (4 days late)

2010-12-02T07:12:00.000-05:00

Only 15 days left until my first term is over! Just the sense of accomplishment of finishing two classes in grad school is amazing! Techincally, I haven't passed yet, but at this point, unless i just don't turn in my last assignments, i'm going to pass. I can't believe that I am smart enough for this :)

Communication class-gave a speech to nursing students, oh the anxiety! i can public speak, but don't particularly like it. But I did it, and now I have to write an essay on it. There are specific requirements for the essay that are confusing me, though, and I hope this doesn't trip me up on my quest to get an A. I hate feeling confused and lost, and this particular essay is making me feel that way. Thank goodness we are having a live chat class with the instructor tonight about this essay, so hopefully that will make me feel better. I have to finish that paper, then take one quiz for that class, and i'm done :) :)

Physical assessment- our group just finished a case study presentation together, and now all i have left for this class is to do group member evaluations (b/c we always do that when we have group work) and critiquing a fw other case studies once they are presented.

on the personal front, I am starting my new job in 11 days. Yep, I'm starting a new job on Monday, of the last week of the term!!

Happy thanksgiving! (and a school update)

2010-11-25T08:29:00.000-05:00

Happy thanksgiving!! I have so much to be thankful for that I can't list it all here. Family, friends, school, etc etc etc. I am off work today, and my husband is going to be cookign soon. We'll also be taking the kids to the park later, too. Maybe, after everyone is in bed, I might do a little studying--just so I can be thankful for an A :)

Blog update-I think I am going to plan on every Sunday updates, just so I have a regular schedule of it. doesn't mean that it will be only Sundays, but if I commit to that, then I know it will be updated regularly. Blog privacy has been on my mind recently, too. I know of someone who recently had some issues after someone didn't like something her blog said. I don't want to not do this blog, but I also don't want to get into any murky territory either. So, for the time being, if you know who I am in real life, please don't mention it on here. Not that I am saying anything particularly scandalous, but you know.....

School update-only 3 weeks left in this term! wow! I'm on track to get an A in both classes, forbidding any epic failures-which are always possible. I am not going to kid myself into thinking that i am so smart i am guaranteed an A, ya know. I am working on my study guides for physical exam class, since the final is coming up soon. Loving those pictures of diseased penises and vaginas-can't study that in public.... Also have a group case study in that class which i get to put into a powerpoint. I never realized that I like powerpoint until now! it was pretty easy to set it up! In my communications class, i have a speech coming up soon that I am giving to nursing students about becoming an advanced practice nurse....all my public speaking fears are surfacing. ugh.

thats what it is and where I am! Happy thanksgiving!

resubmitted essay...waiting on final grade

2010-11-14T22:17:00.000-05:00

As much as that 88 disappointed me on my essay draft, I learned a lot. I learned a lot about APA format, and about being more concise. For that, I am grateful. I feel that every essay I write from here on out will be better-- the instructor for this class is one of three instructors for my leadership class next term, so learning how she grades is important, lol.

I helped a classmate/friend edit her essay, and she said that I butchered it, went for the carotid, etc etc. All in fun and joking, but I feel mixed about that. I feel good about being honest and actually helping instead of just saying "its great" to be nice. Then, on the other hand, the sensitive side of me hates to say anything negative to anyone. I don't want to make anyone feel badly.

Like i said, next term!! I registered for my classes for next term! Leadership and Statistics. I am a total math nerd and excited for a math class. Leadership sounds like a bunch of essays, lol.

tonight, working on a physical exam write up that will probably be like 10 + pags long...... also giving a speech to nursing students in a few weeks, then have an essay and an outline after that, two quizzes tomorrow......

tomorrow starts week 8! 35 days left in this term, then 3 weeks off before winter classes start january 10th!

overacheiver disappointed with a B

2010-11-10T18:10:00.000-05:00

How lame is that? I should just be happy I got a passing grade, no one will ever look at my GPA. Ugh. Not me. I want my A :)

I got back my argumentative/persusasive essay, and got an 88!!!! of course, it appears that 90 % of the comments she made on my essay were r/t APA errors. darnit. If we get less than a 90, we have to rewrite it, and our final grade for the paper is an average of our draft grade and the final grade. So, i have to rewrite the paper. darn.

I am just disappointed that I got a B on teh paper. I spent hours, I worked hard. I want A's and I am willing to work hard for them. I am not ashamed to say that just passing, or the bare minimum isn't good enough for me. So of course, when I get a B on a big assignment, I'm a little disappointed in myself

Being the optimist that I try to be, I can say that at least my class average is still an A, and I have learned something that I can use in my future essays.

Next up: rewrite the essay, work on a discussion board posting about cough as a presenting symptom, and working on writing up a head to toe physical exam

halfway done with the first term!

2010-11-05T20:34:00.000-04:00

This is the end of week 6 out of a 12 week term--halfway done!!

Still working on my argumentative essay-need to edit the intro and conclusion, do the plan of action and the abstract. The introduction is honestly the hardest part. I have the thesis statement, but what the heck before that? Its hard coming up with something interesting enough to make people want to read the paper.

I feel like I have a hard time getting my thoughts out in a way that makes sense when writing-i know what i want to say but its how to say it in a way that fits the assignment, and also find research to back up what im saying. Though, I did get a 100 on my first outline (for a 1 page informative paper), a 100 on my first essay (the informative paper) and a 100 on the outline for this current paper, so i must be doing something right. or its just beginners luck.

When I was in high school, i took AP English and took the AP exam and passed, and therefore didn't have to take English 101 and 102 in college. So its been since my senior year of high school (1999-11 years ago! wow, im old) since I've written a paper. I've always thought math and science were easier-there is one objective answer, and thats it. you know it, or you don't. With English and writing, its subjective-and thats just harder to me!

I do see the value of writing and especially writing academically, and reading research....its just not the easiest thing i've ever done!

argumentative essay...

2010-11-03T18:43:00.000-04:00

Current assignment I am working on is a 4-6 page argumentative essay. We were given some topics to choose from, but i chose to argue against offering elective c/sections to all women.

I know what I want to say, but formatting it into the way the school wants it to be is hard. I have been looking up so many research articles, my eyes are going to cross! Glad to be writing about something I enjoy learning about though.

I dont get to sleep much. I am always up late studying, since I have kids. Therefore, i am always tired. I forgot about the sleep deprivation part of college!!!

Thats okay...its only three years :)

total posting slacker......

2010-11-03T18:31:00.002-04:00

OK, I will start posting more. Promise :) If anyone out there is reading, thank you!

preceptor search.....

2010-10-17T20:41:00.000-04:00

I won't be starting clinicals for about 2.5 years--April 2013 or so. That seems so far away to be thinking about preceptors, but it just won't be as easy for me as it is for others, I think. My clinicals have to be done with a CNM, and i have a list of skills I have to complete during my clinicals. 675 hours is my minimum time requirement. The skills required include:
10 preconception care visits
30 new antepartum visits
140 return antepartum visits
40 labor management experiences
40 births (including 4 observations, at least 5 continuity clients, at least 5 without epidurals)
40 newborn assessments
20 breastfeeding support visits
40 postpartum visits (2 hours to 14 days)
30 postpartum visits (2 to 8 weeks)
40 common health problems
30 family planning visits
25 non-postpartum gynecologic visits
25 perimenopausal/postmenopausal visits

the only CNM practicing in my city does home births, and I dont think she has quite the volume for me to complete all these requirements in a decent amount of time, so I won't be asking her to precept me. The next closest CNM who practices as a CNM (there are a few who practice as WHNP's or staff RNs) is at a hosptial one hour away. She and her partner are the closest ones-I emailed one of them and she said it was too soon for her to make a commitment and I should ask her again in six months.

I dont want to put all my eggs in one basket, though, so I am researching other options. I have been looking online, and have found some other sites that are about two hours away. Some of the CNMs I have found were even graduates of the same school I am attending. I will be working on writing a letter to each of the potential preceptors and hoping I can find something.

Question is, when to send them? Is TWO YEARS too soon ahead of time to ask? Or is it being proactive ? If I wait too long, the sites may be taken already, and I will have my schooling delayed. I have no idea how soon ahead of time the preceptors reserve space for students. How dorky would I look by asking so early?

Sure was easier when I was in nursign school the first time and the clinical sites were already selected for us!

So, when to send the letter is the question!

Health histories, quizzes, and essays-oh my!

2010-10-14T00:19:00.000-04:00

13 days since my last post. Hmmmmm. Never intended to have large gaps in blog land documentation of school. Sorry! School is going well. This is the 3rd week of the 12 week term. I'm loving the online education. The flexibility to study when and where I want, school goes wherever my laptop does, skyping chats with classmates, etc. We've also had a live chat/lesson with each of the two instructors once a week, which is nice. Quizzes/tests aren't on specific days- they are posted and are open for two weeks total! I, being the overachiever that I am, always takes the quiz/test the first day that it is available.

It does stink that my closest classmate is a 6 hour drive away from me. I know that i probably won't see any of them until we go back to campus in August. But between skyle, texting, and facebook, I still feel like I am nurturing friendships with fabulous women I would hVe never met if it wasn't for frontier! On a sad note, we did lose a classmate. We started with 24, and one had to drop out for personal reasons. That stinks, bc when you meet everyone, you envision Graduating with those same people.

This week's study plans include notes on 3 chapters in physical assessment--quiz on Monday ! I turned in a draft of my essay for communication class and a draft of my (8 page long) health history write up. Waiting for grades on those. If I get above a 90, it will be considered final submission and I won't have to revise and resubmit! Wooo!
Still loving it and so glad I'm here!

School has started! (subtitle: I miss my bed)

2010-09-30T10:07:00.000-04:00

Wow! What I've been waiting for is finally here. Classes started Monday. I have two this term-Physical Assessment and Introduction to Communication and Scholarly Writing( what a mouthful!). At this point, the work appears to not be exceedingly difficult , but there is just a lot of work to be done especially since I haven't been in college in 5 years.

This week, I took my first quiz. I was so excited that I took it right after it was available - at midnight. I was pretty tired, so even though it was open book, I got an 86. I was so disappointed. I know i can do better. I've also been studying for next week's quiz, also an open book quiz on hair/skin/nails and head/neck/lymphatics. Right now, that means reading the chapter and taking notes.

We also have a discussion board where a topic situation was posted and we have to reply, then comment on others posts as well. I spent hours perfecting my answer. It ended up being a 2000 word answer. The way the board was set up, you can't read any of the other post until you post your own. Therefore, I had no way of knowing that my answer was soooo much longer than the others I don't regret it. I feel that I was thorough, but we'll see if the instructor agrees. I also am required to reply to two of the other students posts. It's easy, when reading the others , to think " I should have mentioned that!"

Next up: taking a quiz on Monday in physical assessment ( this time, not at midnight), an outline for our paper on why I want to be an advanced practice nurse is due next week-so I'm working on that now, I still have to reply to two of the discussion board posts before end of next week, and on monday a discussion board opens up in physical assessment. It's a "hot seat" thing. This week, the assigned group replies to their assigned topic, next week the rest of us see their reply and have to respond. Oh, and tonight there is a live chat in the physical assessment class.

Lots of studying, but other than that 86, I feel okay about it all..... So far

8 days til classes start....

2010-09-19T08:55:00.001-04:00

Classes start officially on Monday the 27th. I've already got my syllabi for both classes. One class has open book/open note quizzes, and a closed book midterm and exam, required discusion forums. Also a comprehensive health history write up (from a history we take on an actual person--). Quiz the first week on all the 11 chapters i've been studying since i got my books. 11 chapters is a lot of material, but thank goodness a lot of it is review from my first time in nursing school. I am going to take that quiz the first day of class (the quiz is "open" the whole first week for us to take by the end of the week) so I can get on with studying for hte next quiz. Open book or not, I'm still studying like its a closed book quiz. Open book makes me worry that it will be extra hard, since we get to use resources. Thank goodness the following units are only 2-3 chapters, and not 11!! I can easily do 3 chapters in a week.

The other class has closed book quizzes. It also has papers to write, outlines for those papers, and required discussion forums too. Best part ever--public speakign is required! I have to give a speech to a group of people about why I am continuing my nursing education. I'm not nervous about the speaking, I'm nervous about the topic! Who hte heck wants to hear that?

All in all, its manageable! Or at least, it appears to be. We'll see next week

so what exactly am i studying? for all curious minds

2010-09-06T08:44:00.000-04:00

Seeing as I'm in the bridge program, for those of us without bachelors degrees, I get an extra year added onto the beginning of my midwifery program. So, I'm in grad school to become a nurse midwife, and my first year is more general nursing stuff. This first semester, I will be taking Communication/Scholarly Writing and Physical Assessment. Currently studying Cultural Competence in the physical assessment book. Its actually very interesting.

First essay done and submitted!

2010-08-30T23:08:00.000-04:00

Even though the semester doesn't start until the end of September, we still had a few orientation assignments. One of which was a reflective essay on a particular topic. I hadn't written an essay in quite a while. I took AP English in high school, and took the AP exam, so I didnt have to take English 111 and 112 in college! So, I hadn't written an essay since high school! (well, besides the ones I had to write to send with my application to Frontier) I wish I'd been made to take it in college the first time.

Well, I studied, I wrote, I edited. Supposed to be 500 words or less, and mine was 550 on first draft. I talk a lot, I write alot. I did get it pared down to 499 words. I let a few people read it and decided it was ready to submit! Now its off in cyberspace, waitng to be read. I dont think it counts for an actual grade, but we'll just get evaluated on it and advised on our writing skills and such. I'm nervous of course, to see what happens. We'll see how rusty my writing skills are. The overacheiver in me is crossing my fingers for an awesome review.

4 weeks til class starts!

some pictures from frontier bound

2010-08-28T10:25:00.000-04:00

there was beautiful artwork everywhere, on all the walls, done by past students. This is in the stairway of the dorm

the upstairs of the renovated barn. classrooms and computer lab in here.

one of the dorm rooms. again, more beautiful artwork

driveway leading up to the school. the trees are amazing!

dorm building

Kentucky is beautiful!!

midwifery map. each student puts a pin on the city they are from

stairs down to one of the buildings where there was a classroom

stairs everywhere! you will certainly get a workout here

last minute preparations....

2010-08-21T18:23:00.000-04:00

I will be arriving at the school in 46 hours!! Its been a bit of a crazy week since I found out on Monday that I was off the waiting list! It means I had one week to finish up what I thought I had 3 months to finish.
I had to
-get a doctors appt to check immunity to measles and chicken pox (i am immune to both)
-get PPD, then go back two days later to get it read (negative!)
-call my OB's office to get records faxed over to me with documentation of Hep B testing and rubella immunity. Cried a little because I weigh more now than I did then :(
-email financial aid office to make sure my paperwork was transferred from the later class to the current one so my loan application could be processed. No loans means no school for me
-sign loan approval letter and fax it back
-email about book I was supposed to read before arriving to KY-wasn't sent to me yet, but I wasn't worried since I thought I had until November to get it and read it! (I didnt get it, but will get it while there and read it)
-pack (after making a nice list so I dont forget anything)
-clean out car
-get hair done. yes, this is a necessity. can't meet all these new people looking like a bum with highlights that are growing out b/c i've been too busy to go to the salon.
-worry about leaving kids
-finish online assignments that we had to have done before arriving. Some reading, some video watching, some quiz taking
-made a facebook page for our class. I seem to be doing the most talking on it. maybe people will be more talkative once we go and there's more to talk about? i want to make friends and have people to talk to and study with throughout this journey. I mean, no one else will understand what its like except those going through it! also, having someone you trust to proofread your papers is good, too

all of this while working mon-fri and taking care of kids and hte house. Its been crazy-I can't believe that i thought i had 3 months left and then it was a week!

I am so excited!!
(and nervous, too, to be going somewhere that I dont know anyone! I've met some online, but am still nervous. the self esteem thing--what if they don't like me and i have no one to talk to?)

Moved off the waiting list!

2010-08-17T07:37:00.000-04:00

Last minute great news! I am off the waiting list and going to orientation on Monday! I was convincing myself I'd have to wait until November. yesterday, I emailed the registrar and asked about my spot on the waiting list. If you remember, I called about a week and a half ago, and was told I was fourth.
I was fully expecting her to say that I was still on the waiting list, but I just wanted to check anyways.

Well, she replied and said that I was in! I almost can't believe it! I've got several things to hurry up and get done this week, like my PPD and some titers, and a few of the online tutorials.

woooo hoooo! Frontier Bound on Monday

birth story of my 3 yr old-emotional, full of anxiety and fear

2010-08-13T20:58:00.000-04:00

I wrote this when he was 3 days old. Today he is 3 years old. Its a long story, but if you happen to be here on this page, please read it all. Its long because it was a long labor, and i really was expressing my emotions. It was definitely intense. WIll share my hindsight thoughts after posting the story.

Sunday, August 12th. 41 weeks, 1 day.

Approximately noon.

I felt great today. Slept good for once. Took the kids to the park, and decided to walk for a while on the walking path. Had fun. It was nice.

6pm or so.

Felt a little off, but not really sure how. Occasional ctx, not that painful at all. The key is, they never went away. Very irregular. Some very light bloody show. Some loose stools.

11:30pm

Talked to my best friend on the phone, who was to be my babysitter. Told her i really wasn't sure what was going on.

Monday, August 13, 2007. 41 weeks, 2 days.

12:00am

DH came hom from work. Wanted to go to WalMart to buy a keyboard, as ours was broken. I told him I'd feel better if he didn't go, b/c I was feeling the ctx. Still not exceedingly painful, just uncomfortable.Try to lay down in bed to sleep through it. Not working. Tummy feels a little off. Maybe hungry, maybe nausea, maybe nerves. Not sure which. So i get Nathan to make some mashed potatoes that I try to eat. Doesn't work. My skin feels funny, too. Sometimes I feel hot, sometimes chilly. Turn the a/c on and off. Try to find the thermometer to take my temperature to make sure I'm not sick.

12:30am

Decide that I want to go get checked out. Ask Nathan to call our babysitter to come over. He does.

12:45am

Page my OB to tell him I'm coming in. Thank goodness he's already on call, and at the hospital. He had told me that he'd come in for me, but I am really glad he was on call because I would have felt badly if I called him in. At this point, I'm not 100% sure I'm even laboring, but it does feel like it did when I went into hospital with baby3, and I was 7cm.

1:00am

Leave for the hospital. Didn't wake up the kids, as they'd never go back to sleep. It was cool outside, very refreshing from our recent 95 degree days. Decided not to bring the radio, b/c I had been wanting it quiet during the ctx. Was telling DH not to talk to me when I had one.

1:10am

Get to hospital, park in ER parking lot. Make DH move to a different spot, because he parked beside a car that had someone in it, and that creeped me out. Walked in, not sure where to go, but thank goodness

saw another pregnant lady, so I went where she went. She got the wheelchair, I had to stand and wait for another one to come available. That was annoying. They didn't offer me any chair, even though it did feel better to lean up against the wall anyways. Nurse then comes back with wheelchair. It feels so strange to be the one in the chair. I'm used to being the nurse, not the patient!

1:18am

Get to my room, 609. This was the room I was hoping for, too. Not too close to the nurses station, not too far away. As I was being wheeled up the hall, all my coworkers are waiting at the desk waving at me. I came in on night shift, which I really liked since I work at night. I feel most comfortable with these ladies. NurseOne comes to be my nurse. I had never picked one nurse I wanted specifically, b/c I didn't want to be disappointed. NurseOne had been on vacation for a week, after leaving on my due date, and she had told me to hold on until she came back from vacation. She knew how much I wanted to go naturally, too. I told DH to take lots of pictures.

I wanted to labor in my own clothes. Not because of some anti-hosital thing, but b/c the gowns just don't look comfortable at all, and my shirt/skirt were very comfy. I told DH to make sure he took lots of pictures, b/c I had only 2 of my labor with baby3, and they weren't even very good ones. I wanted NurseOne to check my cervix, and she said she could do it, or that my OB would be coming around soon enough. I wanted her to check b/c i was afraid that I really wasn't in labor, and didn't want to look silly when he came to check. I was hurting some, but the ctx were irregular, and I didn't hurt THAT badly. She checked, adn said I was 7cm, 80% effaced. I had been 4-5cm and 50% on Friday morning. Woo-hoo, I wasn't crazy. I commented that I was keeping up my trend, as I was also 7cm when I arrived to hospital with baby3. I was also thinking that this didn't hurt too badly and I could definitely do it. Transition, which is 7cm and up, is the worst part, and here I am, in transition adn not hurting that bad. I felt very happy about this.

On with the formalities. She put me on the monitor, and said we could do intermittant monitoring. I said that being on the monitor didn't bother me, as I could move around and such, and I didn't feel like walking in the halls anyways. Registration came and gave me my bracelets, and it was also so surreal to look down and see my name on the bracelet, and my age as 26! I just turned 26 on the 11th, so I still think of myself as 25.

NurseOne started my IV and told me we'd just heplock it, without me even asking. I felt sick, adn that was worse than the pain for me, so I asked for Zofran. I knew I didn't want Phenergan as that makes me feel loopy and sleepy, and I would have lost control then. I was also allowed to have some apple juice, too. I was told I could have whatever I wanted.

Labored on the birth ball, which was nice, leaning over the back of the bed, stood up and leaned over the bed, sat on edge of bed and leaned on DH, who was kneeling on the floor. (he didn't like that, made his knees hurt)

I wanted my OB to come check me, as I wanted to know where I was. He came a little after 2:30am, and said i was 8-9cm and 100% effaced, I dont know if he ever said what station I was at, but the baby was fairly high up still. I was so excited to have made progress that quickly!

We kept on. I remember walking to the bathroom and hated laboring while sitting on the toilet. It wasn't soft, adn put way too much pressure on me. I thought I'd like that, lol. Nope.

I remember it did start to hurt more, and what i was doing wasn't helping as much. We tried breathing, then moaning, etc. I asked to be checked again, and was just a lip of cervix. I dont remember the time on this, somewhere in the 4am hour.(so from 2:30 to 4:30, i went from 8-9cm to 9.5cm, which was disappointingly slow) I asked for 50mcg of Fentanyl IV for pain. Just enough to take off the edge, but not enough to make me sky high. I felt I was starting to lose control. The Fentanyl made me feel dizzy and fuzzy, and made my vision strange, but I was clear headed. I laid on my side, hoping that would help that one side of cervix go away.

I kept on, and it kept hurting. Kept feeling more pressure, and got NurseOne to check again, somewhere around 5am. Still a lip of cervix. Getting disappointed here. 4th babies are supposed to come quicker than this. Started to discuss with NurseOne about letting him break my water, to see if he would come down lower and be ready to push. She said it was quite likely. I was nervous, since I knew that it would hurt more after my water was broken, but I was getting quite ready for this to be over.

My OB came around 5:30, we discussed this, and he broke my water.He used a spinal needle to go up there and rupture the amniotic sac, so it would leak down instead of gushing out. There was light meconium in it, just as I expected. Baby1,who was also born at 41w2d had meconium. Let me tell you, they aren'y lying when they say it hurts more . I turned into the raving crazy lady. I was screaming at the top of my lungs. Screaming "help me, NurseOne, help me!" It was horrible and I"m actually quite embarrassed.

Thing is, I was still at a lip of cervix. It didn't go away like I thought it would. Decided to try to push past it. It can happen. It has happened. I asked to have the foot pedals put up, b/c I didn't want to use stirrups. I didn't feel an urge to push, I just wanted to try, b/c I was so ready to get this over with! It hurt just as bad, if not worse! Who ever said that pushign feels better? Ha. WHle pushing I kept asking if he was moving down, and my OB said "a little", but they said they couldn't see him yet. I was so disappointed. Why not? Didnt they just say that he would be right there after my water broke? that's why i wanted to do it!

Got more IV fentanyl. Didn't help this time! Asked for a pudendal block. That was pure torture. HOlding still enough for him to do it was miserable, then teh darn thing didn't work! I was screaming help me, screamign I was scared, asking if he was too big to descend and thats why he wasn't coming out. Everyone was very calm with me, which I appreciated. I know i was out of control and crazy. With the bottom of the bed off, I was trying to lay sideways in the bed and crawl away from the bottom of the bed. THey were calmly telling me to lay back down b/c they thought i'd hurt myself with what i was doing. I wanted to turn around and push from on my knees, and wanted to get in that position RIGHT NOW, but they waited til the bottom of the bed was back on.

AFter this having my water broken for a while with no progress, screaming for help, feeling like I couldn't move-I was draped over the back of the bed, screaming. I couldn't move b/c I was paralyzed by the pain. I lost control of myself completely, though at the time, I didn't care. All I cared about was getting away from the pain. I remember being told that they thought Baby might be presenting OP, meaning he would be facing up instead of down, which is a more difficult descent/birth. I was upset about that, too.

I asked for an epidural, finally. I couldn't stand it, I was not able to focus on anything except for screaming, which wasn't doing any good. I hadn't had any IV fluids up to this point, so I had to get a whole liter infused first. So, while screaming my head off and scooching all over the bed, i had to hold my right arm out straight so the IV tube wouldn't kink and not infuse.

Got the epidural somewhere around 6:30 or 6:40 or so. Thank goodness it was a decent anesthesiologist, and not one of the ones I dislike. He comes in, says “i have to ask you a few questions first” so i yell “ i know what you want, i have no allergies, no medical problems except anxiety, no surgery, have had 3 epidurals before”. I asked him how long til I felt better, and he said about 7 minutes, which seemed like an eternity to me.

He stressed how important it was that I had to hold still, which seemed nearly impossible, but I did it when I had to.

Of course, the epidural made my anxiety worse. I was shaking, which is normal in late labor and with epidural and although I knew it was normal, I was freaking out. I also was convinced I was going to die from the epidural. I kept looking over every time my blood pressure took, to make sure it wasn't too low. I kept crying “i'm scared” and my OB, NurseOne and some other nurse friends reassured me that I was okay. I had to look out the window and focus on the view of the mountains and sunrise and try to calm down. I wanted to sleep, as I was tired, but was too excited/scared/nervous to sleep. I was telling myself I'd feel better about getting the epidural if he ended up OP or 10 pounds. I cried and told NurseOne that everyone, all the nurses and such, would all be disappointed in me, b/c i'd been saying for so long that i didn't want an epidural.

Baby's heart rate was having some variable decels, not too deep, and they came right back up, but they were doing it with every contraction. I knew what they were just by hearing them, and tried to turn on my side to help. My OB came in and put in an IUPC so we could do an amnioinfusion, thinking maybe there was a cord wrapped around him somewhere. They also asked if I was okay with starting pitocin, because maybe some stronger contractions would help me progress past that last lip. This was fine with me, I wanted it OVER.

Nathan finally got a little nap too, sleeping on the couch in the room. He doesn't do well with no sleep. I remember asking my OB if he was going to leave, and saying “please don't leave” as I knew it was Monday morning, his call was over, and he had to go to the office. He said he wouldn't. NurseOne said she wouldn't leave, either. This made me happy.

. Somewhere around 8:30 or so, Baby's heartrate went down to 90, which I heard, and tried to turn on my side to relieve. Thing is, it didnt' come back up, it stayed at 90. NurseOne came in, and I asked her what was wrong. She turned off the pitocin. My OB came in and did scalp stimulation (vaginal exam and scratched the baby's head with his finger), and this should make the baby's heart rate have an acceleration. Baby's didn't. I asked my OB if it was coming up and he said no. I was crying and saying “help me” again, and crying that I was scared. I still had a lip of cervix left. We decided to try to have me push past it. They knew I didn't want to push in stirrups, so DH held one of my feet, and I didn't know where to put the other one, as I was kind of on my side. My eyes were closed, and I think I was shoving my foot against my OB's thigh, since he was sitting on the bottom of the bed.

My best friend showed up somewhere in here and was taking pictures for me. I told her to spare nothing and take pics of everything, crotch and all. She did and I appreciate it, esp since I had my eyes closed for so much of the end of this labor.

I dont think he was coming down very well at all, and his heartrate was staying down at 90 for a few minutes now. my OB called out for help in the room, and another nurse, NurseTwo, came in. I was really scared now. I heard mention of a c-section if it didn't come up and I screamed NO. They then put me up in stirrups, which NurseOne told me she knew I didn't want, but it would help. I was then told to push with all my might, and had an oxygen mask on too, for his heartrate. I was feeling the contractions in my abdomen, and not down in my perineum, which made it difficult to push in the right place. I was being instructed to push as hard as I could, not take a big breath between pushes, and just go, go, go! I knew his heartrate was down, so I did it as hard as I could. This was really difficult, especially to do while being scared out of my mind. They did respect my wishes not to be counted at while pushing. I kept wanting to reach down and feel him crowning but they told me no, b/c they needed me to focus on the pushing.

My OB asked for a vaccuum extractor, as one of my pushes got him right down to crowning finally, but it was dropped on the floor, and another vac was also dropped. I kept on pushing and then he finally started to be born! My eyes were closed and next thing I know, i feel someone shoving on my pubic bone really hard, and I knew this meant I had a shoulder dystocia, which scared me too, as I didn't expect that!

He FINALLY came out, though in reality, that last part all happened so fast b/c I only pushed for 9 minutes NurseOne tells me. I wanted to hold him on my belly/chest, but he was blue, so I didn't get to. DH didnt' want to cut the cord, but I did, so they let me cut the cord, and I asked to at least touch him before they took him over, and I touched his foot and cried like a baby. The NICU team was over there, as is standard with meconium babies, and suctioned him. His Apgar's were 2 and 9, he perked up quickly.

Then, they were going to get to weigh him. They guessed 4100 grams, which is slightly over 9 pounds. I asked them to hold him up, so I could guess. I guessed 9 pounds 5 ounces by looking. My other 3 were 8#2oz, 8#8oz, and 8#11oz, in that order, and they were all overdue as well. They put him on and called out 4731 grams, to which i yelled “are you serious?”. I didn't know exactly how much that was, but knew that 4000 was about 9 pounds, so it must have been huge.

Then they say 10 pounds, 7 ounces. Wow! NurseOne then asked my OB about my perineum, and he said intact! NO episiotomy, no lacerations, nothing!

I got to hold him and it was great. He was big and beautiful, I nursed him right away, and he did great. I itched like crazy from the epidural, it was insane, from my belly button to my upper thighs. Took a Benadryl, and that did wonders.

Later that night, with time to process everything, I was embarrassed at how I acted so out of control, and sad that it turned out so crazy and wild and not peaceful like I hoped. I was sad I got the epidural,and I didn't last. I was at least slightly hopeful though, thinking that maybe if i didnt have the epidural, I woudln't have been physically able to push as hard as I did as fast as I did to get him out before he needed a c-section. SO that made me feel somewhat better. I was quite proud of making it til 9.5cm before getting the epidural, though.

So, there it is. Crazy, wild, but worth it. Nothing like I expected at all. I didnt expect a 10 ½ pound baby, and my OB said he didn't either! I already miss being pregnant.......

thoughts, now that he is three years old. THe labor was nothing like what I expected at all, and I was completely unprepared for such a long arduous labor. I wish I had hired a doula. I thought that because I was a nurse, and I helped women laboring all the time that I would know what to do. I didn't. Anything I knew went out of my mind as the contractions took over my entire being. DH wasn't much help, honestly-when i was screaming bloody murder (literally, they could hear me all the way down the hall, even through a closed door) he was standing by the wall looking at me. I understand that maybe he felt helpless, that he didnt know what to do. I wanted someone to get in my face while I was screaming and whisper in my ear that everything was okay, that what I was feeling was normal-all the stuff I would tell a woman who was doing the same things i was. I realize now that after my water was broken and i didn't have an overwhelming urge to push, I was freaking out. When it didn't happen how I expected, my anxiety went out of control. I wanted someone to talk to me, to make me get out of the bed, to suggest that I get in the shower-no one did. I wasn't in my right mind to ask for what I needed.

I still feel completely horrible about getting the epidural. I wish I had been supported and encouraged to keep pushing after my water was broken instead of giving up and going exorcist crazy. I was disappointed so bad in myself. I got an epidural. I pushed in stirrups, on my back. I couldn't have him placed right on my stomach r/t him being blue. Sometimes I think the only thing that went right about the labor was that he was born vaginally. Sometimes I think that I should have not gone to the hospital so soon.

I found out at Baby's first pediatrician appt that he had a fractured clavicle from the delivery-he healed fine wiht no intervention.

My experience makes me even more committed to support women, to help them feel strong and in control, and have the birth they want.

I know that there was some good-I wasn't induced, I got to drink, I didnt feel pushed to do anything, early labor i felt more in control.

The fear, the anxiety, the lack of support was there, too, though. That was hard. I dont think about it every day, but when i do think about it, i am still supremely disappointed in how in how the labor went.

Happy (one day late) birthday to me !

2010-08-12T19:49:00.000-04:00

Well, yesterday was my birthday. Got a fabulous new iPhone for my birthday.

I don't know a lot about my own delivery in 1981. My mom doesn't remember a lot. I was born at a military hospital in Europe. Born somewhere around 5am and weighed 6 something pounds. My mom remembers that she had some bleeding. She knew some blood was normal so wasn't concerned until it was a lot of blood. She had a c/section and says that "the placenta was trying to come out before the baby". Maybe a previa, maybe an abruption. that was good ol "once a c/s, always a c/s " time, so 13 months later she had another c/s. I also know that I was breastfed, but not for a long time. Apparently I had quite an appetite and "needed" formula supplementation. anyways, I just think knowing my birth history is interesting.

On the school front, I've been working on orientation tutorials online. Learning how to use the school's email. Etc. I need some titers drawn, and am not sure if I can call and make an appt for that, or if I need to get the doc to order it. I don't want to have a doc appt just to request labs then come back a diff day to get labs drawn.

Tomorrow is my baby's 3rd birthday. Tomorrow I will share his birth story-it's an interesting one. He was the 10.5 pound baby.

getting ready.....

2010-08-08T23:38:00.000-04:00

I got my official email saying that I was accepted to the class AFTER the one I applied to. I had talked to someone in the office and already knew this-since June-but this is the official email. Two weeks til the class I actually applied for starts, so in two weeks I'll know for 100% sure whether I'm in August or November start. I am planning on November, though. Seems most likely at this point.

anyways, on to what I get to do now. Call tomorrow and get my user name/password for the school's server/email/forums/etc. Once I have that, I can look at the official pre-orientation checklist for stuff I need to do, and study the tutorial/course that I have to complete on how to use the school's forums/computer system. Since it's a distance program, and lots of work and communication will be done via this particular forum/computer system/program, I'm glad to get a feel for it before i jump into classes. I'm also quite the overachiever and want to master it as soon as possible.

Financial aid stuff as well. Very, very important to me. I am not independently wealthy by any means, and without student loans, I would not be able to complete this portion of my education. I had previously done my FAFSA, and yesterday, I did my MPN and entrance counseling on www.studentloans.gov I still need to call the school's fin aid dept, because on their fin aid checklist it said I needed to do the entrance counseling on this one particular website, but when i went there, it wouldn't load. It didn't load for other students either-need to see if the one i did on the other site is sufficient. Also, little questions from my over anxious need to plan ahead brain-when do i choose which lenders i want, when do i find out about if i was approved for the loans and how much, etc.

I also bought an awesome planner that i plan on using only for school, to schedule my studying.

Glad to finally be doing something!

3 months 6 days 16 hours 52 minutes and 42 seconds until orientation starts :)

well, maybe not 2nd afterall.....

2010-08-04T21:52:00.000-04:00

Called today to check place on waiting list. Once a week isn't too stalker-ish, esp when the orientation date is in 19 days!

Woman I spoke to today looked up my name-I'm 4th on teh waiting list? what the heck?? when I first called, back in June, I was told I was 3rd!! Now, 4th? The woman I spoke to today said that no one who was accepted to this class has deferred yet, so I'm not getting my hopes up that 4 people will defer in the next 19 days. Still have that week reqeusted off work, just in case.

Going to think more NOvember now....I put a countdown timer on my desktop to tell me how long til November orientation. Until November 15th at 4:30pm, I have 3 months 10 days 18 hours 40 mins and 8 seconds :)

movin on up.........to 2nd!

2010-07-30T22:35:00.000-04:00

I am moving on up the waiting list! I called the school on Thursday and asked about my spot on the waiting list. I was told that I "probably moved up a spot, because we just admitted someone off the waiting list". wooo.....3rd on the list to 2nd on the list.

of course, the paranoid part of me says that the woman said on the phone said "probably". She didn't look up my name on the list to see for sure.

24 days til orientation starts--24 days at the most until I know if I start in August or November!

still hoping for August but eternally greatful to know that no matter what, I will be there-just not sure which month!

design change

2010-07-25T17:03:00.000-04:00

had to change the design up a little. the blog background I had magically disappeared! it was from http://www.thecutestblogontheblock.com/ and it was just gone. i tried to upload the same one again, because it was still listd on their site, and it didn't work. still a completely white background,which doesn't work well with white text. so, a new background/design. hope you enjoy and it doesn't make reading it more difficult.

I'm still here!

2010-07-25T08:00:00.000-04:00

I wish I had something interesting to post. In the last two weeks since I posted, nothing significant has happened in regards to school. I did call the school to see if I was still #3 on the waiting list, or if I'd moved up. Nope. Still #3. That was this past Tuesday, I think. They said I should call back at the end of the next week, because the closer it gets to time (Aug 23) the more likely people are to drop out.

I still wonder how absolutely likely it is that 3 people out of such a small class will decline their acceptance/change their mind close to orientation. I want to get my hopes up and be excited that I could be starting soon, but I also want to be realistic and think that I am probably not going until November.

So, I will keep on living life in the waiting list limbo, and call again on Thursday or Friday!

waiting list woes, and a whole lot of nothing

2010-07-11T08:15:00.000-04:00

Although I wish I had more to say about the midwifery journey at this point, I don't. Just waiting! Still no word about coming off the waiting list. 1 month 13 days til orientation for the class I'm on the waiting list for, so I still have quite a while I could still go up.

Though, with approximately 25 students accepted, how likely is it that 3 of them will decline/withdraw? I also want to go in August, but I don't want for someone else's dream of attending to be dashed. They didnt apply lightly, and a withdraw would be a big decision. I wish I could have this spot without taking away from someone else. Realisticly, I guess I should just plan on going to Kentucky for orientation in November instead of August. 4 more months....ugh

i am insanely greatful to have the chance to attend, even in November. Wanting to go in August is just because I want to get started as soon as possible on this journey!!

2010-07-06T22:08:00.000-04:00

Found this article from Omaha newspaper about alternative birthing positions on another blog I follow, Stand and Deliver

Talks about different positions women have used in the hospitals in that area, and what doctors and midwives think about them. Says that they are becoming more common.

I dont know of many doctors that are open to this, unfortuanately. Delivering with the bed not broken down (but mom still on her back) is the most alternative some doctors are willing to do. There have been some good ones who have even offered to a woman that she deliver hands/knees. Many more will say that they want her on the bed....

There are the occasional women that will push while using the squatting bar, and soem deliver that way, too. The labor beds can be set up so that even a woman with an epidural can do this.

I did care for a woman that labored standing up beside the bed her entire labor. I did a vaginal exam while kneeling beside her. It was awesome to see her move unencumbered. the doctor did want her on the bed, and she didnt get on the bed until her pushing was bringing the baby down well. She ended up only being on the bed for 20 minutes total.

I just love the press its getting-putting it out there that birth isn't all one size fits all, that there are alternatives, and that you don't have to lay flat on your back!

Happy 4th of July!!

2010-07-04T23:26:00.000-04:00

The joys of working night shift in a hospital for so many years--this was the first 4th of July since 2006 that I saw fireworks from outside the hospital. 2007 was spent staring out the window of a patient room. (and there was a patient in the room, too, she just let all the nurses come watch out her window). 2008 was spent with a pregnant woman in the ICU staring at twins on the monitor all night-ICU is on back side of hospital-i could hear the fireworks, but not see them. 2009- at work, again, but watching them out the window of an empty room. it looks right over the field where the city does their fireworks display, so it really was an awesome view.

tonight, i was in a park with my kids watching them in person. that was the best! my two year old said the fireworks going off sounded like farts.......

no new news on school yet. still waiting to hear if I get pulled off the waiting list into the class that starts in august. i want to know so i can get started, and i want to get started earlier, but since i know that i 100% have a spot in the next class, then i'm not really worried about it. (too much)

hope all 4 people who actually read this had a great holiday!

a healthy baby begins with you.....

2010-07-02T23:50:00.000-04:00

the United States is 29th in the world in infant mortality. We pride ourselves on being technologically advanced, on having cutting edge medicine, and in certain hospitals, on our fabulous neonatal intensive care units. There is the pinnacle of technology and cutting edge medicine-saving babies born too early or born with serious health problems. In addition to putting so much into caring for these sick babies, we need to prevent them from being born so early/sick in the first place.

All women are at risk for giving birth to a preterm/sick infant. African American women are at a much higher risk than the average risk and at a much higher risk than white women.

Double the total risk, double the risk of white women. Why? What can we do to help all women have healthy babies?

The Unnecesarean posted about this video made by Tonya Lee (wife of Spike Lee) called "Crisis in the Crib". In a 30 minute video, which you can view from the Unnecesarean's post, she and the Office of Minority Health discuss their campaign A Healthy Baby Begins With You . They have preconception peer educators (african american college students, men and women), going out into communities throughout the country where african american infant mortality rates are especially high and they go to high schools and talk to the kids before they are getting pregnant. They talk to them about preconception health, and how to make themselves as healthy as possible before getting pregnant-and how this can affect infant mortality rates. They encourage them to not just use and absorb the information for themselves, but to get out there and tell others about it and what they can do. Change the abysmal infant mortality rates, one baby and one mom at at time. They also go out into communites, door to door, talking to people in their homes and where they hang out about infant mortality.

We can't just wait until women are already pregnant and coming in for prenatal care to think about preventing preterm birth/sick babies. What if they don't even come in for prenatal care? Pre-conceptual care is important, and often overlooked. We should be thinking about this before we are even wanting to get pregnant. Obesity, smoking, high blood pressure, stress, diabetes, drug or alcohol use, poor nutrition, lack of access to prenatal care/health care, poverty, domestic violence, etc etc etc-so many issues that can be improved prior to conception. Education about how a pregnant woman can best care for herself during pregnancy, about signs of complications she needs to watch our for, and what to do about them. Education about what kind of birth she wants to have to provide her baby with the healthiest start, what kind of prenatal care she wants to pursue, and what kind of environment she wants to bring her baby home to.

Instead of just thinking about the WHY of infant mortality rates, we need to think of the WHAT-what can we do, what can I do to make it better? Watch Tonya's video (see link to the Unnecesarean's post-she has a link to the video-I'm not technologically advanced enough to post a video in my posts yet), read about the A Healthy Baby Begins With You campaign, and do something about it where you live.

got the official email of acceptance!

2010-06-28T18:58:00.001-04:00

As I posted Friday, I called the school and was told over the phone of my spot on the wait list, and my acceptance to the next bridge class. Of course, you always feel better getting something in writing. Something I can look at over and over again that says "we want you!" (not in those words, lol). Proof :)

It came today!

The Admissions Committee at the Frontier School of Midwifery and Family Nursing has reviewed your application for admission to the Bridge program. Due to a large number of qualified applicants we are unable to offer you admission at this time. The committee was impressed with your credentials and would like to offer you the opportunity to be placed on a waiting list for Class 80.

If there are openings in Class 80 we will extend the opportunity for admission to those on the waiting list. If you are not selected from the waiting list we would like to offer you admission to Class 83. Please let us know of your decision by July 7, 2010.

Thank you for your interest in the Frontier School of Midwifery and Family Nursing.

Birth Story of my first child, 10 years ago, and thoughts/comments

2010-06-26T18:13:00.000-04:00

I had my first baby when I was 18 years old. It was 6 weeks before I turned 19. This birth story was written on his first birthday, so i was 19, almost 20. Today is his 10th birthday! I will share the story, then my comments on it

I was due on june 17, but at my 40.5 week appt on wednesday june 21 (4 days past due) i was still only 1cm dilated, as i had been for 2 weeks.

i was scheduled for a non stress test on the following monday, the 26th, and was scheduled to be induced on june 29, which would have been 12 days past due. but, on the evening of hte 25th, i went to bed around midnight, because i had a dr's appt at 115 adn wanted to make sure i got plenty of sleep. 3am i wake up feeling crampy. not like contractions, but just a persistent tightness, like period cramps. i of course, do not think this is labor. i had resigned myself to thinking he'd be born on hte 29th. i got a warm rag and rubbed my belly, but i still couldnt sleep. so i got up to take a warm as possible bath. didnt help. about 5 am contractions started. oh yeah-the only other person home was my friends too young to drive asleep sister

i tried to nibble on graham crackers since if i was in labor i knew they wouldt let me eat. at 6 i heard her car pull up so i run out and yell, i dont feel so good. she comes up, and we start to talk, and i get natious. i tried standing, sitting, hunching over a pillow, etc etc but i was way nervous,which didnt help. i actually had someone drive me to a store to buy tylenol. i threw it up. we timed my contractions, which were spacey. long then short, some were a few mins apart, some weren't. they def. didnt fit the prepared childbirth motto- longer stronger and closer together. so we called the ob at the hosp. and she said to come on in, id probably be staying.

hated the drive to the hospital. got there, and they wheeled me from the e.r. to the 6th floor l&d floor. hooked me up to the monitors and i remember thinking what a dip the girl in the next bed was. they made me take out my tounge ring and gave me stadol ( i told them iw anted to avoid an epidural) because i was so very natious and hate puking. had one nurse come and take the medical history form, and asked 8 hundred questions, adn im like, dont you already have this?? then they asked for my insurance card, which was in the car. its like hello, im in labor, sorry i cant remember everything. they also had a photocopy of the dumb insurance card (ok, medicaid card) from my last appt. dummy's.

, they had wheeled me upstairs, but made me walk down the hall to my room. didnt want an iv, but had one. i just remember the stadol made me sleepy, adn the nurse was happy, cuz she could do her paperwork. my friend was supposed to be my labor partner, but she did a bad, bad job. i todl her i was against an epidural,and to try to make me more comfortable if i asked for one first. she sucked. she fell asleep. i didnt get to do any of the relaxation things i wanted. ptttbbtt.

they broke my water, and there was meconium, so they put th einternal monitor in (i think they poked it in his head) ladi dadi, lots of ppl looking around down there, it was loong finally i had an epi around 6cm i think. i really wish she'd been a better labor partner, cuz i truly wish i hadn't had one. it made me shake. i shook so bad they couldnt take my bp for like, 30 mins. i shook, then my legs fell asleep. i was in bed the whole time and didnt like it. when it came time to push, i had xxxxxx holding back one leg, my freidn jessica behind me and a nurse on the other leg. had to hold my breath for 10 secs and push hard, then breathe deeply, do it again, breathe deeply and do it again. and it hurt! i mean, i had to start that pusing cycle w/ each contraction, but i was so sore, i coudnt tell when one started and one began! i tried to huffand puff while pushing, but they told me that wouldn't work and to hold my breath, which was evcen more uncomfortalbe, lol. ended up needing an episiotomy. and as soon as his head came out, they went to suction his lungs out to make sure he hadn't inhaled any meconium. hte nurse was like, oh look at all that hair! and i reached down to feel his head as it came out!

15 total hours of labor and 50 mins of pushing and xxxxxxx was born at 6:13pm on 6/26 weighing in at a hefty 8 pounds and 2 ounces and 22 inches. his apgar was 4 (since they suctioned him, it didnt count as independent breathing) then 9. his temp was a little low so they bundled him up and i held him for a few mins then they took him to the nursery because his breathing was a little rapid and they wanted him to calm down in the nursery. so i didnt get to nurse the first hour. i totally forgot about the placenta it felt like she was kneading bread on my tummy to get it out and damn did it hurt!

i had a 101 fever by 11pm that night and was on a 24 hour dose of iv antibiotics. the iv pole was annoying :) anyways, he nursed great for hte lactation consultant, but was more difficult for me. went home wednesday afternoon, and the next day i couldnt get him to nurse for 6 hours straight. so back to the lactation consultant. turns out he had his toungbe over the nipple instead of under. anyways, it was so not the delivery i had hoped for, but i had a wonderful perfect baby. and in his first year, he's only had 3 colds and roseola once. but now i know what i want to do different next time.

hope you made it to the end!

well,what i notice now when reading this is how young i sounded. and some of my spelling mistakes make me want to cringe. did i really write "dummy's" instead of dummies? and did i really call someone a dummy?

i was so uneducated, and unsupported then. I wanted a natural birth. I knew it was better. i picked a female friend to be a labor support person with myself and xxxxx. she went to two out of the six childbirth classes with me. she fell asleep during my labor because she'd been up all night. she didnt remember that i had pre-labor asked for support if i said i wanted an epidural. i was scared at home, before going to the hospital, and i didn't write anything about anyone trying to comfort me.

then, when i look at how the hospital apparently treated me- didnt want an iv, but had one....i just remember the stadol made me sleepy, adn the nurse was happy, cuz she could do her paperwork......i was in bed the whole time and didnt like it........i tried to huffand puff while pushing, but they told me that wouldn't work and to hold my breath, which was evcen more uncomfortalbe.........lots of ppl looking around down there......i didnt get to nurse the first hour......ended up needing an episiotomy.(2010 note--i "needed" one for an 8#2oz baby but had a completely intact perineum for a 10 # 7 ounce baby 7 years later) i feel sad. i had a plan in labor, but wasn't supported at all.

was it horrible? no. i didnt suffer medical malpractice, i didnt have an unnecessarean, my baby was healthy.

i also see how uninformed i was about certain things. I was upset that the hospital was asking a medical history, when the person asking had never met me before. the clinic had my insurance card, but the hospital didn't. i thought a tylenol would help labor pains!!!

i wish i'd had more support!! word to teh wise--- choose your labor support very carefully. besides your husband, bring a doula, bring a friend, bring someone who wont fall asleep during your labor and will respect your wishes! i wonder if anything would have been different for me if I had a better, more involved support person.

and lastly, how funny is it that i said he was a "hefty 8 pounds, 2 ounces" when he ended up being my smallest baby of them all.

feel free to share your thoughts :)

I GOT IN!!!!!!

2010-06-25T12:30:00.000-04:00

Finally, thank you Jesus, I got in!!!

Yesterday at 5pm, there was a post that the emails for the class I applied for were going on. I was freaking out all night, as were so many other wonderful people I have met on the Frontier discussion boards. It was such a nerve wracking night, second guessing my essay questions, second guessing my education and experience, wondering if everyone else was better than me. I had heard that there were 70 applicants for 25 spots. (the 25 spots i know is true, the 70 applicants is what someone told me). No email came last night. I went to bed crying and praying for a miracle (like a misspelled email address).

Well, 8:30am, I was so nervous I thought about puking. I got up the nerves to call the school and ask about my status. Turns out, I am #3 on the waiting list for the class that starts in August, but I am DEFINITELY in for the class that starts in November. I dont even care, I am just so happy to know! Of course, I'd rather go in August, just to get it started. I was told that I could be called from the waiting list as soon as right before the start date. So, I will still keep those days requested off work, and now I wont know until August 22nd if I am starting in August or November. I dont care. I am in, I am going to graduate school, I am going to be a nruse-midwife!!! Failure is not an option. My admission status was in their hands, my graduation is in my hands. I WILL graduate, I WILL pass!!

Guess I'm not a prospective student nurse midwife anymore, I'm a honest to goodness student nurse midwife!!! woooo hooooooo

a little disappointment, a lot more patience

2010-06-18T19:33:00.000-04:00

well, i thought i'd hear the news today (acceptance vs waitlist vs rejection), but I didn't. Last two classes found out on Fridays. When I called the school earlier this week, they said that we should (not would) hear something by the end of the week. Everyone on facebook who is applying to the class was excited, was posting about hopefully finding out today. I was antsy all day...for the email that didn't come. A fellow prospective student called and was told that decisions would come next week. Next week? That could be Monday, could be Friday! Can I wait another 7 days to find out???

Of course I can. I just don't want to. Patience is hard to come by when waiting for such life altering news. I do my best not to worry, because what good does worrying do? I will eventually know my fate. They wont forget to tell me. Nothing I do now can change what decision they will make about me. I want them to take their time and make the best decisions possible. They will send them out in a timely matter, as I know its not like anyone is purposely making us wait for no reason.

And honestly, 7 days isn't that long, is it?

new week, more anxiety

2010-06-14T08:49:00.000-04:00

As far as the "will I be admitted" jitters go, the waiting for the email anticipation-pretty calm over the weekend. I know I won't hear anything on the weekend, since the acceptance comes via email. Went to a birthday party, went swimming, all was good. Now its Monday, the people who decide my fate are back at work (I hope). So now the anticipation and the anxiety starts again. Every time my phone virbrates to tell me I have a message-is it the email?? I'm really so excited to be able to start this journey, and just want to hear the good news!

I have work and family, though, so plenty to keep me busy while I wait. I know the email will come in its own good time, and that the decisions must be made carefully, and how hard of a job that must be for those making the decisions. So I work, I play, I clean, I live. When the good news comes, I'll shout it from the rooftops and be so excited!

Just hope its this week.....

the waiting game

2010-06-11T15:10:00.000-04:00

right now, i'm not even a student nurse midwife. just a prospective student nurse midwife. I've been a nurse for five years and have a passion and joy for caring for childbearing women. I want to be a nurse midwife for so many reasons-the same as many others who have this same desire, I'm sure.

I've known about Frontier School for Midwifery and Family Nursing (http://www.midwives.org/) for a while now, but decided that this year was time to apply. I chose this school for its history, because of the distance learning program, the great reputation the school has, the supportive faculty and staff, the on campus orientation, and the fact that even though it is a distance program, supportive relationships with classmates are fostered. So many people have such good things to say about the school. Found people to write my recommendations/references, got my college transcripts, wrote and re-wrote my essays, wrote a check for $100, and mailed it all about 2 months before the application deadline of April 19th.

I knew that it could be a long wait. Seems like the longest, hardest part of the wait is this past week! The class before mine just got their admission decisions, so that means my class is next. Last Friday, I heard it was 1-2 more weeks.(so you mean it could be today???) Somehow, when you know you have 4 months to wait for a decision, you dont really think about it. The time just goes by. Now that I know it could literally be any day now, I get more anxious and excited. Similar to pregnancy, isn't it? When you're 20 weeks pregnant, you aren't thinking too much about the delivery and when you go into labor, because you know its not time yet. As soon as you hit full term, it consumes you-will it be today? Tomorrow?

I hear of others checking their email constantly. This is when I am so thankful that I have a blackberry that has email capabilities. I receive instant notice of any yahoo emails on my blackberry, and can read them as soon as they are sent. As long as I have my phone, I'll know soon after the email it comes. Of course, I do have a job and a family, so its not like I can always check my phone as soon as I get a notification.

Waiting, waiting, waiting....... to be an actual student nurse midwife and not just a prospective one!

why am i writing a blog, anyways?

2010-06-10T22:09:00.001-04:00

First of all, do you know how hard it is to customize a blog? I'm no computer junkie, but I did it :)

I wanted to write this blog for myself, first and foremost, to document this at least 3 year long journey. To see how far I've come. To remember.

I also wanted for anyone else who wants to know what its like to be a student nurse midwife to be able to read about it. As I was considering starting the application process, I loved reading (and still do) blogs about other student midwives. Reading about what they are doing and learning really gets one energized and excited to do that, too. Plus, it just helps to get a vague idea of what to expect.

I also want my family and friends to know what I'm doing, what I'm learning, etc

I also love to read blogs as a distraction, so now I can write one as a distraction, too!